I am tired of my past weeks being so dull, and last week is inexcusable! I need to make some major shake-ups.
I looked at what I did during the weeks that I posted my biggest losses, and I did notice a much firmer commitment to eating light, lots of soups specifically, and I was working out every single day. 10 pushups a day isn't a workout. I have to step things up again. I was getting complacent.
Today I walked for 30 minutes (I was shopping, but still, its walking). I stayed right at my daily Points allotment. I also went for a 6.8 mile run, which I know I can't do everyday, but was somewhat symbolic of me "kicking it up a notch" this week on my road to posting a loss greater than 1 lb.
That's my goal this week. Come Monday weigh-in, I want to hit 155.
Think I can do it???
Also, I had another "stock-up" day. I journeyed to Trader Joe's today - which is no longer conveniently located to me - and picked up the following:
- Baby spinach
- Arugula (so snobby!)
- Marinated mushrooms
- Roasted red peppers
- 96/4 ground beef hamburger patties (so good!)
- Mahi-Mahi filets
- Fat-free feta
- 50% low-fat cheddar slices
- Nitrate-free roast beef slices
- Organic beans
- 4 bottles of wine (2 buck chuck!)
- Organic steel-cut oats
- No-salt added solid albacore tuna in water
So it was another stock-up day. That, with the almost 7 mile run, feels good. I'm gonna kick ass this week!
For now, I will pass out. I have a midterm tomorrow and I am exhausted.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Monday, February 9, 2009
Frustrated
I need to start seeing some real progress or I'm going to be tempted to give up.
No long post today. Got two midterms this week and a paper due, work, etc.
Enjoy my fail:
Monday morning weigh-in:
Previous: 157
Current: 158.4
Change: +1.4
No long post today. Got two midterms this week and a paper due, work, etc.
Enjoy my fail:
Monday morning weigh-in:
Previous: 157
Current: 158.4
Change: +1.4
Saturday, February 7, 2009
"Happy Weight", and Baked-Faked Eggplant Parmesan
The next few months have the VIP and I living about 2000 miles from each other while I wrap up my final days in grad school, and he does his own thing in the 2nd city. As a result, we do a lot of flying when we can so that we can see each other. One of the few silver linings of this recession is that plane ticket prices have come down significantly from when we first began dating a year ago; recent tickets we just purchased were almost exactly half what they were back when. Sure, it'll cost you $7 on some airlines to use a blanket or pillow, and we've gotten really good at packing light in our carry-ons to avoid the $25 fee, but at least the TICKET price has dropped. One of the things the VIP and I love almost as much as seeing each other is saving money, so when we can combine those things together, we're happy campers.
Building off my previous post about habits (I did 11 back to back pushups this morning - working up!), one of my habits when I fly is that I buy 2 magazines, and a bottle of water, and I bring them both on the plane. Last time I flew I bought an Oprah magazine and a Self magazine. The Oprah was the issue with her admitting to losing control over her weight - again - but it was something I related to, so I picked it up. Self had Jenna Fischer on the cover, and bless my heart but I love The Office. Jenna seems so real and normal - not a skinny whippet, not crazy athletic - just normal. So I was curious to see what she was doing on the cover of Self.
It was a fluff piece, forgettable at best, but when I flipped the page I stopped and stared. There was a beautiful girl in a black dress, a model, posing on a piece of driftwood at the beach. She had full thighs, roung arms, and a big smile. And big ta-tas. The headline of the article was "Find your Happy Weight!" The next few pages featured pictures of this gorgeous model, her round hips and ample posterier and coy smile and amazing hair. She looked so damn happy. You can see her yourself if you go to the Self website and click the articles about the "Happy Weight", which is what I did when I got home. In the online article, there was a link to fill out that would tell you, the reader, what you're own personal "Happy Weight" was.
So I did it. I filled out the little quiz, which asked you for things about your height, build, obesity in your family, smoking, kids, etc. And the weight that Self decided I would be happy at was 140.2.
Damn, Self! That's 17 pounds away! Why can't I be happy now? Why I can't I be excited that I can see my ab muscles, that I can do 11 pushups back to back, or that I have looser-fitting size 8 pants now? I have to be another 17 pounds lighter? 17.2, to be precise....
Even though my goal weight is under 140.2, I felt kind of insulted and frustrated that such a numebr was supposedly a "Happy Weight" for me. For years I've pushed and struggled just to get under the 150 mark! I haven't been 150 since I was like, 21 years old, when I was running half-marathons and working out daily and wearing a size 6!
It all makes me think. Is my goal realistic? Is 140 lbs - something I haven't been since I was 17 years old - a realistic goal for a 28 year old? Or should it be the "star" I shoot for, knowing that I'd be happy to just land on the moon?
Anyway, I'm going to the gym today to prepare myself for an Armenian birthday feast that I will be partaking in tonight. Not my birthday, just for a friend, but I plan to enjoy myself.
Here's what I made for dinner last night.
Baked-Faked Eggplant Parmesan
1 medium eggplant, sliced into 1/2 inch rings
1 tsp salt
1/4 cup breadcrumbs
3 cloves garlic, minced
6 medium olives, minced
1 can low-sodium diced tomatoes (I like the Italian flavored ones)
2 tablespoons grated parmesan
Prep it:
Lay eggplant slices on a plate or in a dish. Sprinkle salt on top and cover with a paper towel and let sit for 30 minutes. The salt draws water out of the eggplant, making it softer and much less bitter. Before using eggplant, press slices between paper towels to express more water and to brush off some of the extra salt.
Make it:
Place breadcrumbs in a flat-bottomed bowl or dish. Press each eggplant slice in the crumbs - no need to use egg or anything wet to help coat; the natural tackiness of the salted eggplant will allow the crumbs to adhere without any extra fat. Lay each slice flat in a baking pan, one next to each other.
Sprinkle the chopped olives and garlic over the crumbed eggplant.
Spoon the chopped tomatoes over the eggplant.
Finally, generally sprinkle parmesan over the eggplant.
Bake at 325 for about 30 minutes or until the parmesan cheese begins to brown. This will make your entire house smell incredible. It makes about 2 servings - if you can control yourself.
Building off my previous post about habits (I did 11 back to back pushups this morning - working up!), one of my habits when I fly is that I buy 2 magazines, and a bottle of water, and I bring them both on the plane. Last time I flew I bought an Oprah magazine and a Self magazine. The Oprah was the issue with her admitting to losing control over her weight - again - but it was something I related to, so I picked it up. Self had Jenna Fischer on the cover, and bless my heart but I love The Office. Jenna seems so real and normal - not a skinny whippet, not crazy athletic - just normal. So I was curious to see what she was doing on the cover of Self.
It was a fluff piece, forgettable at best, but when I flipped the page I stopped and stared. There was a beautiful girl in a black dress, a model, posing on a piece of driftwood at the beach. She had full thighs, roung arms, and a big smile. And big ta-tas. The headline of the article was "Find your Happy Weight!" The next few pages featured pictures of this gorgeous model, her round hips and ample posterier and coy smile and amazing hair. She looked so damn happy. You can see her yourself if you go to the Self website and click the articles about the "Happy Weight", which is what I did when I got home. In the online article, there was a link to fill out that would tell you, the reader, what you're own personal "Happy Weight" was.
So I did it. I filled out the little quiz, which asked you for things about your height, build, obesity in your family, smoking, kids, etc. And the weight that Self decided I would be happy at was 140.2.
Damn, Self! That's 17 pounds away! Why can't I be happy now? Why I can't I be excited that I can see my ab muscles, that I can do 11 pushups back to back, or that I have looser-fitting size 8 pants now? I have to be another 17 pounds lighter? 17.2, to be precise....
Even though my goal weight is under 140.2, I felt kind of insulted and frustrated that such a numebr was supposedly a "Happy Weight" for me. For years I've pushed and struggled just to get under the 150 mark! I haven't been 150 since I was like, 21 years old, when I was running half-marathons and working out daily and wearing a size 6!
It all makes me think. Is my goal realistic? Is 140 lbs - something I haven't been since I was 17 years old - a realistic goal for a 28 year old? Or should it be the "star" I shoot for, knowing that I'd be happy to just land on the moon?
Anyway, I'm going to the gym today to prepare myself for an Armenian birthday feast that I will be partaking in tonight. Not my birthday, just for a friend, but I plan to enjoy myself.
Here's what I made for dinner last night.
Baked-Faked Eggplant Parmesan
1 medium eggplant, sliced into 1/2 inch rings
1 tsp salt
1/4 cup breadcrumbs
3 cloves garlic, minced
6 medium olives, minced
1 can low-sodium diced tomatoes (I like the Italian flavored ones)
2 tablespoons grated parmesan
Prep it:
Lay eggplant slices on a plate or in a dish. Sprinkle salt on top and cover with a paper towel and let sit for 30 minutes. The salt draws water out of the eggplant, making it softer and much less bitter. Before using eggplant, press slices between paper towels to express more water and to brush off some of the extra salt.
Make it:
Place breadcrumbs in a flat-bottomed bowl or dish. Press each eggplant slice in the crumbs - no need to use egg or anything wet to help coat; the natural tackiness of the salted eggplant will allow the crumbs to adhere without any extra fat. Lay each slice flat in a baking pan, one next to each other.
Sprinkle the chopped olives and garlic over the crumbed eggplant.
Spoon the chopped tomatoes over the eggplant.
Finally, generally sprinkle parmesan over the eggplant.
Bake at 325 for about 30 minutes or until the parmesan cheese begins to brown. This will make your entire house smell incredible. It makes about 2 servings - if you can control yourself.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Habitual
As I make my slow, slogging progress through WW, I sometimes feel like I am doing this at a total snail's pace. It seems almost impossible that I am going to get to my goal weight anytime in my lifetime. I'm so impatient! I've only been on WW for a little over a month, and already I'm frustrated with my progress - which while slow, has still been steady.
I think it comes down to routine, and to habit. Most of us are creatures of habit. We probably wake up at roughly the same time every day, with or without an alarm. Our breakfasts are probably usually the same. We like our coffee a certain way. We like a certain kind of tea. When you shower, you probably go through the same motions in the same order. I always wash my left arm first, and if you're a righty, I bet you do too.
Breaking a habit requires conscious effort. Next time you shower, try consciously changing your routine. Wash your right leg first. I dare you. The general myth is that if you do that for 21 days it will become your new habit. I guess if you wash your right leg first for 21 days, you'll do it forever, or something. My point is, I've been doing this for over 21 days, and while it hasn't become an effortless habit, I am picking up new things while becoming consciously aware that I need to drop some others.
Some habits I have picked up that I am proud of:
- Pushups. I can do 10 military style, back to back, but after that I get weak. I keep my mat on the ground, so sometimes when I get up from work and walk to the kitchen, I will drop and give myself 10. I'm working on 20, just because I want to be able to "drop and give 20" when hollered at.
- Squats. I have made the habit of doing at least 50 a day, intervals of 10 at each time. Its not hard to do actually and they're kind of fun, in the privacy of my own home. Again, every time I get up to get water, or coffee, or use the lav, I do 10.
- Diligently logging my breakfast and lunch points. I am so GOOD about this! My breakfasts are so healthy and yummy, and my lunches are always fab. By the end of lunch I've usually used up around 1/2 of my daily points, which isn't bad considering by then I've had 2 meals and a likely snack.
- The dog. Its not a real "habit" yet, but I am walking more and spending more time on training my dog. Its not really for me though; she needs the training. It does have a nice effect of getting me out of my chair and into the sun for at least a half hour, though.
- 3:00 soup hour. OK, I totally made this one up, but I love it more and more. At 3:00, when I'd normally be craving some chips or a sandwich, I make myself some instant miso soup that I found at the Asian supermarket. Its 0 points, but it has a definite richness that somehow fills me up and makes me feel warm and happy. Like a hug from within. I add a chopped scallion and sometimes some hot sauce, and sip it in a mug. Mmm.
Habits I need to make:
- Crunches. I can drop and give 10, but somehow its SO much harder to roll over onto my back and do 25 crunches. I don't know why. Its easier for me to physically do crunches than pushups, so why am I so lazy about them?
- Evening points. What is it about the hours after I log off work that make it suddenly so hard to stay on the plan? The lure of a glass of wine haunts me; friends invite me over at the last minute for a delicious meal of chicken and potatoes. Tiramisu was on SALE, DAMMIT. I have to start being honest with myself that this is my "big eats" time, and make the hard choice: 1) recognize that I have little control over evening eating, and restrict myself during the mornings and afternoons to mitigate points, or 2) push myself to have the discipline to keep myself under my points in the evening, even if it means abstaining from certain things - like, my friends, or a glass of wine, or OMG TIRAMISU. I just don't know. Cut back in the morning to balance the night, or vice versa?
- The dog. She needs excercise. Cesar Milan says so. I believe the man, for he is amazing. Yes, I totally bought into that dog whisperer stuff. It works, ok?
- Meditation. No, not that whole yogic "ommmm" stuff. But sometimes I need to stop, sit still, close my eyes, and consciously remind myself about who I am. And, what I'm not. I'm not a number on a scale, or a size pant, or a sandwich, or a bowl of soup, or an ideal of something I'll never be. I'm a good person, and a good friend, a hard worker, a dog lover, a great cook. I'm doing this for myself, for my health, for my knees and my heart, and for a life I want to live in full.
Its easy to get down on yourself and give up. I'm going to try to make it a habit to perservere.
I think it comes down to routine, and to habit. Most of us are creatures of habit. We probably wake up at roughly the same time every day, with or without an alarm. Our breakfasts are probably usually the same. We like our coffee a certain way. We like a certain kind of tea. When you shower, you probably go through the same motions in the same order. I always wash my left arm first, and if you're a righty, I bet you do too.
Breaking a habit requires conscious effort. Next time you shower, try consciously changing your routine. Wash your right leg first. I dare you. The general myth is that if you do that for 21 days it will become your new habit. I guess if you wash your right leg first for 21 days, you'll do it forever, or something. My point is, I've been doing this for over 21 days, and while it hasn't become an effortless habit, I am picking up new things while becoming consciously aware that I need to drop some others.
Some habits I have picked up that I am proud of:
- Pushups. I can do 10 military style, back to back, but after that I get weak. I keep my mat on the ground, so sometimes when I get up from work and walk to the kitchen, I will drop and give myself 10. I'm working on 20, just because I want to be able to "drop and give 20" when hollered at.
- Squats. I have made the habit of doing at least 50 a day, intervals of 10 at each time. Its not hard to do actually and they're kind of fun, in the privacy of my own home. Again, every time I get up to get water, or coffee, or use the lav, I do 10.
- Diligently logging my breakfast and lunch points. I am so GOOD about this! My breakfasts are so healthy and yummy, and my lunches are always fab. By the end of lunch I've usually used up around 1/2 of my daily points, which isn't bad considering by then I've had 2 meals and a likely snack.
- The dog. Its not a real "habit" yet, but I am walking more and spending more time on training my dog. Its not really for me though; she needs the training. It does have a nice effect of getting me out of my chair and into the sun for at least a half hour, though.
- 3:00 soup hour. OK, I totally made this one up, but I love it more and more. At 3:00, when I'd normally be craving some chips or a sandwich, I make myself some instant miso soup that I found at the Asian supermarket. Its 0 points, but it has a definite richness that somehow fills me up and makes me feel warm and happy. Like a hug from within. I add a chopped scallion and sometimes some hot sauce, and sip it in a mug. Mmm.
Habits I need to make:
- Crunches. I can drop and give 10, but somehow its SO much harder to roll over onto my back and do 25 crunches. I don't know why. Its easier for me to physically do crunches than pushups, so why am I so lazy about them?
- Evening points. What is it about the hours after I log off work that make it suddenly so hard to stay on the plan? The lure of a glass of wine haunts me; friends invite me over at the last minute for a delicious meal of chicken and potatoes. Tiramisu was on SALE, DAMMIT. I have to start being honest with myself that this is my "big eats" time, and make the hard choice: 1) recognize that I have little control over evening eating, and restrict myself during the mornings and afternoons to mitigate points, or 2) push myself to have the discipline to keep myself under my points in the evening, even if it means abstaining from certain things - like, my friends, or a glass of wine, or OMG TIRAMISU. I just don't know. Cut back in the morning to balance the night, or vice versa?
- The dog. She needs excercise. Cesar Milan says so. I believe the man, for he is amazing. Yes, I totally bought into that dog whisperer stuff. It works, ok?
- Meditation. No, not that whole yogic "ommmm" stuff. But sometimes I need to stop, sit still, close my eyes, and consciously remind myself about who I am. And, what I'm not. I'm not a number on a scale, or a size pant, or a sandwich, or a bowl of soup, or an ideal of something I'll never be. I'm a good person, and a good friend, a hard worker, a dog lover, a great cook. I'm doing this for myself, for my health, for my knees and my heart, and for a life I want to live in full.
Its easy to get down on yourself and give up. I'm going to try to make it a habit to perservere.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Oh my.
Well the weekend was great, and I ate too much, and suddenly school is stressful as midterms are arriving, and work just got 10 times more stressful, and suddenly I'm a bad, bad blogger.
I did make my chili on Superbowl Sunday, and it won Best Overall Chili in the cookoff. My vegetarian chili took the best vegetarian chili prize as well, and since that's not really a family secret I will post the recipe. According to WW, its right around 2 points per serving. Enjoy, and then I am getting my butt back to work.
The Semi-Pro Chef's Award Winning Vegetarian Chili
1 large can or 2 regular cans black beans (I tried using dry beans that I soaked overnight, but I have the worst luck with this, so I ended up using canned)
1 Red onion
1 Green bell pepper
1 Red bell pepper
1 Pasilla chile pepper
1 Jalapeno pepper
5 medium-sized red skin potatoes
1 tomato
1/2 bottle of vegetarian BBQ sauce (most BBQ sauce is vegetarian, but check the label before using if you plan to serve to strict meat avoiders)
1/2 jar of salsa (I used a "Medium" heat Herdez brand - which ended up being extremely hot. Maybe taste-test before adding salsa.)
1 can of corn, drained
1 tablespoon chipotle-smoked red pepper flakes (these were a Christmas gift - no idea where you can get them. So they're optional.)
Step 1 - Preparation:
Slice all peppers in half, and carefully seed the Jalapeno and Pasilla peppers. Coat the outside of the peppers with a little olive oil (I just use the kind in the spray can). Sprinkle a little salt on top, and put in to broil until the skin begins to bubble and char. Remove and allow to cool.
Cut up potatoes into bite-size chunks. Also give these a good spray with oil, and dust with the chipotle pepper flakes if you have them (if not, just salt and pepper is fine.) Roast in oven until the potatoes are cooked through.
Last, quarter your onion, and give it a coating of olive oil. Roast this guy as well until it smells sweet and its slightly soft.
Step 2 - Compilation:
In a large cauldron (or pot, whatever), add your black beans. No need to really drain them if you use canned, but if you soaked your own, drain before adding. Begin to heat over medium heat.
Take all your roasted peppers, and slice into appropriate sized chunks. I cut the sweet peppers into pieces a little less than 1-inch square, and the hotter chilis into smaller slices, since they're more for flavorful heat than color or taste. Add the potatoes, cut peppers, and sliced onion to the mix.
Add the BBQ sauce and salsa to the pot. At this point also add the chipotle peppers if you have any.
If you have any super-secret chili spices, feel free to add here too.
Allow the chili to cook over medium for about 30 minutes or so. Check it frequently and stir often to prevent burning and too much thickening. Add more salsa, bbq sauce or water (or beer) if it seems to be getting too pasty.
After about 30 minutes, dice a whole tomato and add to the pot. Once you add the tomato, open the can of corn and drain it well. Spread corn out on a baking tray into a thin layer, and coat with chili powder, salt, and pepper. Broil until the corn is roasted and starting to brown/blacken. Add immediately to the chili.
Stir and test for heat, spice, thickness, etc. Adjust to your taste. Enjoy with chopped green onion and cheese on top, or just plain the way we ate it at the cookoff!
Monday Morning Weigh-In (Late, I know):
Previous: 158
Current: 157
Pounds lost - 1
Total pounds lost - 7.4
I kind of cheated on this. I knew after Superbowl I'd be bloated so I didn't weigh myself on Monday. I gave myself 24 hours to clean out, and weighed myself this morning. All last week I was hovering between 155 - 157, so I'm comfortable posting 157 today. Hope that's not cheating...
I did make my chili on Superbowl Sunday, and it won Best Overall Chili in the cookoff. My vegetarian chili took the best vegetarian chili prize as well, and since that's not really a family secret I will post the recipe. According to WW, its right around 2 points per serving. Enjoy, and then I am getting my butt back to work.
The Semi-Pro Chef's Award Winning Vegetarian Chili
1 large can or 2 regular cans black beans (I tried using dry beans that I soaked overnight, but I have the worst luck with this, so I ended up using canned)
1 Red onion
1 Green bell pepper
1 Red bell pepper
1 Pasilla chile pepper
1 Jalapeno pepper
5 medium-sized red skin potatoes
1 tomato
1/2 bottle of vegetarian BBQ sauce (most BBQ sauce is vegetarian, but check the label before using if you plan to serve to strict meat avoiders)
1/2 jar of salsa (I used a "Medium" heat Herdez brand - which ended up being extremely hot. Maybe taste-test before adding salsa.)
1 can of corn, drained
1 tablespoon chipotle-smoked red pepper flakes (these were a Christmas gift - no idea where you can get them. So they're optional.)
Step 1 - Preparation:
Slice all peppers in half, and carefully seed the Jalapeno and Pasilla peppers. Coat the outside of the peppers with a little olive oil (I just use the kind in the spray can). Sprinkle a little salt on top, and put in to broil until the skin begins to bubble and char. Remove and allow to cool.
Cut up potatoes into bite-size chunks. Also give these a good spray with oil, and dust with the chipotle pepper flakes if you have them (if not, just salt and pepper is fine.) Roast in oven until the potatoes are cooked through.
Last, quarter your onion, and give it a coating of olive oil. Roast this guy as well until it smells sweet and its slightly soft.
Step 2 - Compilation:
In a large cauldron (or pot, whatever), add your black beans. No need to really drain them if you use canned, but if you soaked your own, drain before adding. Begin to heat over medium heat.
Take all your roasted peppers, and slice into appropriate sized chunks. I cut the sweet peppers into pieces a little less than 1-inch square, and the hotter chilis into smaller slices, since they're more for flavorful heat than color or taste. Add the potatoes, cut peppers, and sliced onion to the mix.
Add the BBQ sauce and salsa to the pot. At this point also add the chipotle peppers if you have any.
If you have any super-secret chili spices, feel free to add here too.
Allow the chili to cook over medium for about 30 minutes or so. Check it frequently and stir often to prevent burning and too much thickening. Add more salsa, bbq sauce or water (or beer) if it seems to be getting too pasty.
After about 30 minutes, dice a whole tomato and add to the pot. Once you add the tomato, open the can of corn and drain it well. Spread corn out on a baking tray into a thin layer, and coat with chili powder, salt, and pepper. Broil until the corn is roasted and starting to brown/blacken. Add immediately to the chili.
Stir and test for heat, spice, thickness, etc. Adjust to your taste. Enjoy with chopped green onion and cheese on top, or just plain the way we ate it at the cookoff!
Monday Morning Weigh-In (Late, I know):
Previous: 158
Current: 157
Pounds lost - 1
Total pounds lost - 7.4
I kind of cheated on this. I knew after Superbowl I'd be bloated so I didn't weigh myself on Monday. I gave myself 24 hours to clean out, and weighed myself this morning. All last week I was hovering between 155 - 157, so I'm comfortable posting 157 today. Hope that's not cheating...
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Superbowl Weekend
I'm having a setback this week. I have been working very hard, that is for sure, but some bad news yesterday set me off on a food and too-expensive champagne mini-bender (so it lasted like 1 hour but still.) I'd already used my "bank" of extra Points on Thursday when my friend and I visited the Indian lunch buffet - which was awesome - so yesterday was the first time in my entire span of WW that I've gone off-plan. I've been on WW an entire month, too! And so far, I've lost 6 lbs. Which is good, right? But yesterday was completely off-plan in terms of my plan for 2009. Major monkey wrenches. We will have to see where it goes.
The economy is unpredictable, that's just basically what I have learned. I have my job, I am grateful for my job, but things were not what they seemed, I guess I'll leave it at that.
Now as I sit here typing, its 7 am and I feel guilty, my mouth feels like I am chewing on cotton, and I wonder the same thing I wonder every time I use food to "fix" how bad I am feeling. I feel guilty, I feel ashamed, I feel sad and disappointed in myself. I also feel motivated to start over, get up and go, get on with it already. The voice of the angel on the shoulder says "Just don't worry - yesterday is gone and all you have is now! Forgive yourself and move on!" (My angel looks a lot like Oprah).
But the devil on the other shoulder still has his little guilt-inducing voice too. "You'll never do it. You've tried for years to get to the weight you want and you've failed every time. Failure is the only constant in your life. Your legs hurt because you danced yesterday, your knees hurt because you walked, your shins hurt because you ran. Your belly hurts from the disgusting Dominoes pizza you forced yourself to eat - you weren't even hungry! You didn't even TASTE the pizza, you just ate it like a dog, or a horse, just chewing and swallowing without any feeling. And champagne, too - "celebrating" your anger and your frustration of things you can't control. See what happens when you try? The lesson you should learn is, you can try, but you're going to fail, so why bother trying?" (My devil looks like a cross between Homer Simpson and Joan Crawford. Weird combo, I know. Just flow with me here.)
Sigh. Tomorrow is Superbowl Sunday. I've promised to make my famous family recipe chili (do not even think for one second I will actually post this recipe) as well as a vegetarian chili for my non-meat-eating friends. I'm also going to make a cheese fondue (I have a fondue pot. I don't have a microwave, or a conventional oven, or even a full-size refrigerator, but I have a fondue pot. And a popcorn popper, maybe I'll make popcorn tomorrow too. I have the most offbeat appliances but I actually use them!)
Tangent, sorry. But what I mean is, I'm going to be surrounded by food tomorrow. If my angel
is stronger, I will be able to control myself and enjoy myself. To me, those two things go hand in hand. I hate this feeling of waking up after a night of letting myself just become a non-entity, someone who doesn't care about herself or her well-being. Its self-destructive, and it never feels GOOD. So if I can pick myself up, dust myself off and go to the party armed with two chilis for the chili cook-off, and if I can plunk down a ooey, gooey, delicious fondue pot, and if I can be surrounded by at least 8 kinds of chili (CHILI COOKOFF!! Wooooo!) and dips and chips and guacamoles and cheeses and meats and meats and meats and someone is even making breakfast for the early birds and all that lovely beer and wine and booze and friends and fun....
If I can make it there, I can make it anywhere.
But...is that too much pressure? At what point does self control go from being a healthy practice to bordering on obsessive and unhealthy? Am I being too hard on myself? Who's voice am I going to hear on my Monday Morning weigh-in?
The economy is unpredictable, that's just basically what I have learned. I have my job, I am grateful for my job, but things were not what they seemed, I guess I'll leave it at that.
Now as I sit here typing, its 7 am and I feel guilty, my mouth feels like I am chewing on cotton, and I wonder the same thing I wonder every time I use food to "fix" how bad I am feeling. I feel guilty, I feel ashamed, I feel sad and disappointed in myself. I also feel motivated to start over, get up and go, get on with it already. The voice of the angel on the shoulder says "Just don't worry - yesterday is gone and all you have is now! Forgive yourself and move on!" (My angel looks a lot like Oprah).
But the devil on the other shoulder still has his little guilt-inducing voice too. "You'll never do it. You've tried for years to get to the weight you want and you've failed every time. Failure is the only constant in your life. Your legs hurt because you danced yesterday, your knees hurt because you walked, your shins hurt because you ran. Your belly hurts from the disgusting Dominoes pizza you forced yourself to eat - you weren't even hungry! You didn't even TASTE the pizza, you just ate it like a dog, or a horse, just chewing and swallowing without any feeling. And champagne, too - "celebrating" your anger and your frustration of things you can't control. See what happens when you try? The lesson you should learn is, you can try, but you're going to fail, so why bother trying?" (My devil looks like a cross between Homer Simpson and Joan Crawford. Weird combo, I know. Just flow with me here.)
Sigh. Tomorrow is Superbowl Sunday. I've promised to make my famous family recipe chili (do not even think for one second I will actually post this recipe) as well as a vegetarian chili for my non-meat-eating friends. I'm also going to make a cheese fondue (I have a fondue pot. I don't have a microwave, or a conventional oven, or even a full-size refrigerator, but I have a fondue pot. And a popcorn popper, maybe I'll make popcorn tomorrow too. I have the most offbeat appliances but I actually use them!)
Tangent, sorry. But what I mean is, I'm going to be surrounded by food tomorrow. If my angel
is stronger, I will be able to control myself and enjoy myself. To me, those two things go hand in hand. I hate this feeling of waking up after a night of letting myself just become a non-entity, someone who doesn't care about herself or her well-being. Its self-destructive, and it never feels GOOD. So if I can pick myself up, dust myself off and go to the party armed with two chilis for the chili cook-off, and if I can plunk down a ooey, gooey, delicious fondue pot, and if I can be surrounded by at least 8 kinds of chili (CHILI COOKOFF!! Wooooo!) and dips and chips and guacamoles and cheeses and meats and meats and meats and someone is even making breakfast for the early birds and all that lovely beer and wine and booze and friends and fun....
If I can make it there, I can make it anywhere.
But...is that too much pressure? At what point does self control go from being a healthy practice to bordering on obsessive and unhealthy? Am I being too hard on myself? Who's voice am I going to hear on my Monday Morning weigh-in?
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Work
One of my favorite workouts is walking my dog. My best friends have dogs too, so we like to let them all play together. However, some of the doggies don't get along. So today we took them all for a walk and did a little bit of "Dog Whisperer" stuff with them. And wouldn't you know it? IT WORKED. One of our dog went from being aggressive and anxious around other dogs to calmly walking with them and being part of "the pack". I'm converted! And, its HARD WORK!
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