Habitual

As I make my slow, slogging progress through WW, I sometimes feel like I am doing this at a total snail's pace. It seems almost impossible that I am going to get to my goal weight anytime in my lifetime. I'm so impatient! I've only been on WW for a little over a month, and already I'm frustrated with my progress - which while slow, has still been steady.

I think it comes down to routine, and to habit. Most of us are creatures of habit. We probably wake up at roughly the same time every day, with or without an alarm. Our breakfasts are probably usually the same. We like our coffee a certain way. We like a certain kind of tea. When you shower, you probably go through the same motions in the same order. I always wash my left arm first, and if you're a righty, I bet you do too.

Breaking a habit requires conscious effort. Next time you shower, try consciously changing your routine. Wash your right leg first. I dare you. The general myth is that if you do that for 21 days it will become your new habit. I guess if you wash your right leg first for 21 days, you'll do it forever, or something. My point is, I've been doing this for over 21 days, and while it hasn't become an effortless habit, I am picking up new things while becoming consciously aware that I need to drop some others.

Some habits I have picked up that I am proud of:

- Pushups. I can do 10 military style, back to back, but after that I get weak. I keep my mat on the ground, so sometimes when I get up from work and walk to the kitchen, I will drop and give myself 10. I'm working on 20, just because I want to be able to "drop and give 20" when hollered at.

- Squats. I have made the habit of doing at least 50 a day, intervals of 10 at each time. Its not hard to do actually and they're kind of fun, in the privacy of my own home. Again, every time I get up to get water, or coffee, or use the lav, I do 10.

- Diligently logging my breakfast and lunch points. I am so GOOD about this! My breakfasts are so healthy and yummy, and my lunches are always fab. By the end of lunch I've usually used up around 1/2 of my daily points, which isn't bad considering by then I've had 2 meals and a likely snack.

- The dog. Its not a real "habit" yet, but I am walking more and spending more time on training my dog. Its not really for me though; she needs the training. It does have a nice effect of getting me out of my chair and into the sun for at least a half hour, though.

- 3:00 soup hour. OK, I totally made this one up, but I love it more and more. At 3:00, when I'd normally be craving some chips or a sandwich, I make myself some instant miso soup that I found at the Asian supermarket. Its 0 points, but it has a definite richness that somehow fills me up and makes me feel warm and happy. Like a hug from within. I add a chopped scallion and sometimes some hot sauce, and sip it in a mug. Mmm.

Habits I need to make:

- Crunches. I can drop and give 10, but somehow its SO much harder to roll over onto my back and do 25 crunches. I don't know why. Its easier for me to physically do crunches than pushups, so why am I so lazy about them?

- Evening points. What is it about the hours after I log off work that make it suddenly so hard to stay on the plan? The lure of a glass of wine haunts me; friends invite me over at the last minute for a delicious meal of chicken and potatoes. Tiramisu was on SALE, DAMMIT. I have to start being honest with myself that this is my "big eats" time, and make the hard choice: 1) recognize that I have little control over evening eating, and restrict myself during the mornings and afternoons to mitigate points, or 2) push myself to have the discipline to keep myself under my points in the evening, even if it means abstaining from certain things - like, my friends, or a glass of wine, or OMG TIRAMISU. I just don't know. Cut back in the morning to balance the night, or vice versa?

- The dog. She needs excercise. Cesar Milan says so. I believe the man, for he is amazing. Yes, I totally bought into that dog whisperer stuff. It works, ok?

- Meditation. No, not that whole yogic "ommmm" stuff. But sometimes I need to stop, sit still, close my eyes, and consciously remind myself about who I am. And, what I'm not. I'm not a number on a scale, or a size pant, or a sandwich, or a bowl of soup, or an ideal of something I'll never be. I'm a good person, and a good friend, a hard worker, a dog lover, a great cook. I'm doing this for myself, for my health, for my knees and my heart, and for a life I want to live in full.

Its easy to get down on yourself and give up. I'm going to try to make it a habit to perservere.

Superbowl Weekend

I'm having a setback this week. I have been working very hard, that is for sure, but some bad news yesterday set me off on a food and too-expensive champagne mini-bender (so it lasted like 1 hour but still.) I'd already used my "bank" of extra Points on Thursday when my friend and I visited the Indian lunch buffet - which was awesome - so yesterday was the first time in my entire span of WW that I've gone off-plan. I've been on WW an entire month, too! And so far, I've lost 6 lbs. Which is good, right? But yesterday was completely off-plan in terms of my plan for 2009. Major monkey wrenches. We will have to see where it goes.

The economy is unpredictable, that's just basically what I have learned. I have my job, I am grateful for my job, but things were not what they seemed, I guess I'll leave it at that.

Now as I sit here typing, its 7 am and I feel guilty, my mouth feels like I am chewing on cotton, and I wonder the same thing I wonder every time I use food to "fix" how bad I am feeling. I feel guilty, I feel ashamed, I feel sad and disappointed in myself. I also feel motivated to start over, get up and go, get on with it already. The voice of the angel on the shoulder says "Just don't worry - yesterday is gone and all you have is now! Forgive yourself and move on!" (My angel looks a lot like Oprah).

But the devil on the other shoulder still has his little guilt-inducing voice too. "You'll never do it. You've tried for years to get to the weight you want and you've failed every time. Failure is the only constant in your life. Your legs hurt because you danced yesterday, your knees hurt because you walked, your shins hurt because you ran. Your belly hurts from the disgusting Dominoes pizza you forced yourself to eat - you weren't even hungry! You didn't even TASTE the pizza, you just ate it like a dog, or a horse, just chewing and swallowing without any feeling. And champagne, too - "celebrating" your anger and your frustration of things you can't control. See what happens when you try? The lesson you should learn is, you can try, but you're going to fail, so why bother trying?" (My devil looks like a cross between Homer Simpson and Joan Crawford. Weird combo, I know. Just flow with me here.)

Sigh. Tomorrow is Superbowl Sunday. I've promised to make my famous family recipe chili (do not even think for one second I will actually post this recipe) as well as a vegetarian chili for my non-meat-eating friends. I'm also going to make a cheese fondue (I have a fondue pot. I don't have a microwave, or a conventional oven, or even a full-size refrigerator, but I have a fondue pot. And a popcorn popper, maybe I'll make popcorn tomorrow too. I have the most offbeat appliances but I actually use them!)

Tangent, sorry. But what I mean is, I'm going to be surrounded by food tomorrow. If my angel
is stronger, I will be able to control myself and enjoy myself. To me, those two things go hand in hand. I hate this feeling of waking up after a night of letting myself just become a non-entity, someone who doesn't care about herself or her well-being. Its self-destructive, and it never feels GOOD. So if I can pick myself up, dust myself off and go to the party armed with two chilis for the chili cook-off, and if I can plunk down a ooey, gooey, delicious fondue pot, and if I can be surrounded by at least 8 kinds of chili (CHILI COOKOFF!! Wooooo!) and dips and chips and guacamoles and cheeses and meats and meats and meats and someone is even making breakfast for the early birds and all that lovely beer and wine and booze and friends and fun....

If I can make it there, I can make it anywhere.

But...is that too much pressure? At what point does self control go from being a healthy practice to bordering on obsessive and unhealthy? Am I being too hard on myself? Who's voice am I going to hear on my Monday Morning weigh-in?