Saturday, January 31, 2009

Superbowl Weekend

I'm having a setback this week. I have been working very hard, that is for sure, but some bad news yesterday set me off on a food and too-expensive champagne mini-bender (so it lasted like 1 hour but still.) I'd already used my "bank" of extra Points on Thursday when my friend and I visited the Indian lunch buffet - which was awesome - so yesterday was the first time in my entire span of WW that I've gone off-plan. I've been on WW an entire month, too! And so far, I've lost 6 lbs. Which is good, right? But yesterday was completely off-plan in terms of my plan for 2009. Major monkey wrenches. We will have to see where it goes.

The economy is unpredictable, that's just basically what I have learned. I have my job, I am grateful for my job, but things were not what they seemed, I guess I'll leave it at that.

Now as I sit here typing, its 7 am and I feel guilty, my mouth feels like I am chewing on cotton, and I wonder the same thing I wonder every time I use food to "fix" how bad I am feeling. I feel guilty, I feel ashamed, I feel sad and disappointed in myself. I also feel motivated to start over, get up and go, get on with it already. The voice of the angel on the shoulder says "Just don't worry - yesterday is gone and all you have is now! Forgive yourself and move on!" (My angel looks a lot like Oprah).

But the devil on the other shoulder still has his little guilt-inducing voice too. "You'll never do it. You've tried for years to get to the weight you want and you've failed every time. Failure is the only constant in your life. Your legs hurt because you danced yesterday, your knees hurt because you walked, your shins hurt because you ran. Your belly hurts from the disgusting Dominoes pizza you forced yourself to eat - you weren't even hungry! You didn't even TASTE the pizza, you just ate it like a dog, or a horse, just chewing and swallowing without any feeling. And champagne, too - "celebrating" your anger and your frustration of things you can't control. See what happens when you try? The lesson you should learn is, you can try, but you're going to fail, so why bother trying?" (My devil looks like a cross between Homer Simpson and Joan Crawford. Weird combo, I know. Just flow with me here.)

Sigh. Tomorrow is Superbowl Sunday. I've promised to make my famous family recipe chili (do not even think for one second I will actually post this recipe) as well as a vegetarian chili for my non-meat-eating friends. I'm also going to make a cheese fondue (I have a fondue pot. I don't have a microwave, or a conventional oven, or even a full-size refrigerator, but I have a fondue pot. And a popcorn popper, maybe I'll make popcorn tomorrow too. I have the most offbeat appliances but I actually use them!)

Tangent, sorry. But what I mean is, I'm going to be surrounded by food tomorrow. If my angel
is stronger, I will be able to control myself and enjoy myself. To me, those two things go hand in hand. I hate this feeling of waking up after a night of letting myself just become a non-entity, someone who doesn't care about herself or her well-being. Its self-destructive, and it never feels GOOD. So if I can pick myself up, dust myself off and go to the party armed with two chilis for the chili cook-off, and if I can plunk down a ooey, gooey, delicious fondue pot, and if I can be surrounded by at least 8 kinds of chili (CHILI COOKOFF!! Wooooo!) and dips and chips and guacamoles and cheeses and meats and meats and meats and someone is even making breakfast for the early birds and all that lovely beer and wine and booze and friends and fun....

If I can make it there, I can make it anywhere. that too much pressure? At what point does self control go from being a healthy practice to bordering on obsessive and unhealthy? Am I being too hard on myself? Who's voice am I going to hear on my Monday Morning weigh-in?


  1. Don't be too hard on yourself. I went with the healthier snacks for the game and didn't indulge on the giant burgers I made for the boys, but I did have some beer. It's all a balancing game and good lord is it tough.

  2. I ate like 2 cups of guacamole and chips. Its my weakness. I didn't drink, and I did dance (long story but basically, I have studied many Beyonce music videos, and have a lot of her choreography memorized...which became the halftime show, instead of Bruce) but still, GUACAMOLE AND CHIPS. Ah well.

  3. That's healthy in my book! Ah well is right...